Taking a dominator’s approach to the tranny who would castrate the world and make it safe for the Ku Klux Klan to ride again, Henry Rollins pens a poison letter inviting Ann Coulter to make the change that will give meaning to her life. Must-watch material.
Memo To Ann Coulter — You’ll Get Yours
There’s a special place in hell that’s undergoing a major buildout these days. It’s for political pundits who are allowed to stew in their own bile for all eternity, while their former victims look down on them in pity from the heavenly precincts. Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh can thus spend eternity together with Don Imus, where they will undoubtedly never be bored, regaling each other with tales of how they once skewered liberals, feminazis and nappy-headed ho’s with their verbal arrows and were well paid for indulging their demonic talents. All will be well with them until, of course, Rush runs out of Oxycontin and Vicodin, Ann runs out of estrogen injections, and Don misplaces his cowboy hat. Then we’ll see the true face of agony.
It’s about time the karmic wheel turned. In her April 10, 2003 column, “Shock and Awe Campaign Routs Liberals,” Ann Coulter applauded the beating the jingoistic press gave Natalie Mains and the Dixie Chicks for having the nerve to speak ill of the Chief “on foreign soil,” made fun of Janeane Garofalo for saying “that Saddam Hussein has no weapons of mass destruction,” and bloviated about Eddie Vedder’s unpatriotic stage patter. Well, the Chicks have come home to roost. Lately, brass-bottomed Coulter sounds picked-on and distressed. Could it be that the national appetite for bile is abating? If so, Coulter will lose the entire audience she acquired by surfing the tsunami of war-fever that swept our country after 9/11. And then, millions of Americans will sleep better, including no doubt, throngs of Hollywood liberals. Oh, the pain.
Like the collage? See more satirical political art at the American Buddha Online Library.
Stress Reduction Techniques for Dealing With Ann Coulter’s Jive
The thing about Medusa and Ann Coulter is that it is dangerous to look at them directly. Like my old Aikido teacher told me about martial arts — don’t watch the fist — it will hit you. And if you listen to Ann Coulter with the wrong attitude, she will freeze you in place. Freeze you in rage, frustration, and consternation, leaving you fulminating uselessly while cortisol and other stress hormones break loose and cause premature aging. Another liberal frying in agony over words that mean nothing, nothing, nothing! They mean nothing because they are the quintessential preachings to the choir, but when your head is exploding if you’re a liberal, you forget that. You think she’s dangerous, because she encourages stupid thinking, and she is dangerous, but not because she is skilled in argument or persuasive.
Coulter persuades no one of anything but the rightness of the positions they already hold. It doesn’t matter whether you are reactionary or liberal — she will only confirm you in your most negative views. If you are a reactionary, you may actually believe the crazy caricatures she sketches of people who entertain wooly ideas about global warming, the value of peace, and the humanity of non-Caucasians. If you are a liberal, you may actually believe that most conservatives are smug over-consumers whose hearts are cesspools of racist hatred and homicidal intent.
Coulter helps us to “realize” things that aren’t true, just like the Little Corporal split Germany into two camps — people who agreed with him, and traitors to the Nazi cause. Like her Big Daddy, the Fuehrer, she spews polarizing “either – or” statements that divide people against each other who are really on the same side. Few know whether to shit or go blind when she does this stuff – they freeze, just like the Greek warriors did when facing Medusa’s gaze. Coulter gets results virtually identical to those of the original snaky bitch, and requires similar treatment.
Since Medusa wasn’t human, it was perfectly okay for Perseus to smite her head from her shoulders. Since Coulter has abandoned her humanity for money, influence, and the adulation of fools, it is perfectly okay to use whatever means are necessary to bring an end to her reign of terror, including publishing her decapitated visage, snake ringlets and all. It doesn’t matter whether you’re left wing, right wing, libertarian or anarchist, don’t let this reactionary Medusa turn you to stone — stalk her carefully, using your mirror-shield to avoid looking directly into her eyes — and when you are close enough, one clean slice directly above the shoulders will do the trick.
So you can practice retaining your composure while being exposed to the reality-distorting effect of Coulter’s language, I’ve borrowed a list of Coulterisms that are guaranteed to raise your blood pressure. Read them slowly, though, and after breathing in deeply, say in a clear, loud voice, “Ann Coulter is demented, and everyone knows it.” Say it three times, calmly and with confidence. Soon, you and everyone else will realize that this statement is true, and she will sink beneath the surface of the media ocean like a stone.
The Demented Bitch wrote:
[Clinton] masturbates in the sinks.—Rivera Live 8/2/99
God gave us the earth. We have dominion over the plants, the animals, the trees. God said, ‘Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it. It’s yours.’—Hannity & Colmes, 6/20/01
The backbone of the Democratic Party is a typical fat, implacable welfare recipient—syndicated column 10/29/99
To a disabled Vietnam vet: People like you caused us to lose that war.—MSNBC
Women like Pamela Harriman and Patricia Duff are basically Anna Nicole Smith from the waist down. Let’s just call it for what it is. They’re whores.—Salon.com 11/16/00
Juan Gonzales is Cuba’s answer to Joey Buttafuoco, a miscreant, sperm-donor, and a poor man’s Hugh Hefner.—Rivera Live 5/1/00
On Princess Diana’s death: Her children knew she’s sleeping with all these men. That just seems to me, it’s the definition of ‘not a good mother.’ … Is everyone just saying here that it’s okay to ostentatiously have premarital sex in front of your children?…[Diana is] an ordinary and pathetic and confessional – I’ve never had bulimia! I’ve never had an affair! I’ve never had a divorce! So I don’t think she’s better than I am.—MSNBC 9/12/97
I think there should be a literacy test and a poll tax for people to vote.—Hannity & Colmes, 8/17/99
I think [women] should be armed but should not [be allowed to] vote.—Politically Incorrect, 2/26/01
If you don’t hate Clinton and the people who labored to keep him in office, you don’t love your country.—George, 7/99
We’re now at the point that it’s beyond whether or not this guy is a horny hick. I really think it’s a question of his mental stability. He really could be a lunatic. I think it is a rational question for Americans to ask whether their president is insane.—Equal Time
It’s enough [to be impeached] for the president to be a pervert.—The Case Against Bill Clinton, Coulter’s 1998 book.
Clinton is in love with the erect penis.—This Evening with Judith Regan, Fox News Channel 2/6/00
I think we had enough laws about the turn-of-the-century. We don’t need any more. Asked how far back would she go to repeal laws, she replied, Well, before the New Deal…[The Emancipation Proclamation] would be a good start.—Politically Incorrect 5/7/97
If they have the one innocent person who has ever to be put to death this century out of over 7,000, you probably will get a good movie deal out of it.—MSNBC 7/27/97
If those kids had been carrying guns they would have gunned down this one [child] gunman. … Don’t pray. Learn to use guns.—Politically Incorrect, 12/18/97
The presumption of innocence only means you don’t go right to jail.—Hannity & Colmes 8/24/01
I have to say I’m all for public flogging. One type of criminal that a public humiliation might work particularly well with are the juvenile delinquents, a lot of whom consider it a badge of honor to be sent to juvenile detention. And it might not be such a cool thing in the ‘hood to be flogged publicly.—MSNBC 3/22/97
Originally, I was the only female with long blonde hair. Now, they all have long blonde hair.—CapitolHillBlue.com 6/6/00
I am emboldened by my looks to say things Republican men wouldn’t.—TV Guide 8/97
Let’s say I go out every night, I meet a guy and have sex with him. Good for me. I’m not married.—Rivera Live 6/7/00
Anorexics never have boyfriends. … That’s one way to know you don’t have anorexia, if you have a boyfriend.—Politically Incorrect 7/21/97
I think [Whitewater]‘s going to prevent the First Lady from running for Senate.—Rivera Live 3/12/99
My track record is pretty good on predictions.—Rivera Live 12/8/98
The thing I like about Bush is I think he hates liberals.—Washington Post 8/1/00
On Rep. Christopher Shays (d-CT) in deciding whether to run against him as a Libertarian candidate: I really want to hurt him. I want him to feel pain.—Hartford Courant 6/25/99
The swing voters—I like to refer to them as the idiot voters because they don’t have set philosophical principles. You’re either a liberal or you’re a conservative if you have an IQ above a toaster. —Beyond the News, Fox News Channel, 6/4/00
My libertarian friends are probably getting a little upset now but I think that’s because they never appreciate the benefits of local fascism.—MSNBC 2/8/97
You want to be careful not to become just a blowhard.—Washington Post 10/16/98