Save The Airlines! Fly NAKED

Naked Air

An elegant solution solves many problems with a small adjustment, or even better, with an adjustment that people find agreeable. I’ve devised an elegant solution to the problem of declining domestic air travel, which when combined with plumetting service and rising fares, threatens the nation’s economic health. Fly naked — in the buff, in our birthday suits, like our mothers made us, yes, naked.

There are so many benefits to be gained, and given what we already put up with at the airport, I am confident that once the policy is implemented, few will find disrobing before flight to be an excessive sacrifice. Airports and airplanes are generally climate-controlled, so heat and cold should not be issues that we can’t deal with, besides which, the citizenry would benefit from becoming a little more hardy. We might have to provide a few more amenities, but why not, with all we’d be saving not having to pay for those back-scatter x-ray machines that allow only TSA employees, whom I personally would not desire to have ogling me in the privacy of some control room. As far as I’m concerned, if we could get rid of the metal detectors and the rules against bringing your own bottled water, exposing myself, and being compelled to view the bodies of others, would be a small price to pay.

Naked domestic airflight would improve the health and fitness of air travelers, as well. We can always bank on vanity to drive human behavior, and as the nude trend took off at departure and arrival gates all across the land, fliers who rely on clothing to conceal their couch-potato lifestyle will see the fitness light. Gyms will sprout up in the waiting areas, and – you gotta love this — the energy of all those people exercising could be pumped into the building’s electrical system, thus powering the whole place and erasing much of the airport’s carbon footprint! Yeah, I see a naked Al Gore right now, stepping onto the first flight! Soon, we will be a fit, trim nation, flying free, safe and proud.

Additional benefits are not hard to imagine. Nude flying would compel travelers take a “laundry holiday” that would save billions of gallons of hot water per year, reducing national consumption of fossil fuels, thus holding down the price of jet fuel, and slowing the rise in air fares. Since many travelers pack an extra set of clothes just for travelling, in addition to what they plan to wear at their destination, the net result would be thousands of pounds of outer and undergarments left behind at home, allowing people to bring smaller luggage, thus easing the baggage crunch that has the airlines tacking on per-bag fees.

The great thing about this plan is the way it could spread. From nude flying to nude bus riding, to just plain old naked everything. Since everyone’s moving to the sun belt anyway, where life is clothing-optional and the best suntans approach 100% coverage, why not harvest the benefits of nudity in all our areas of life. Many of us work at office jobs where we certainly don’t have to wear protective clothing. That which is superfluous can easily be discarded. Strictly speaking, nude architecture, nude law practice, and nude judicial proceedings are all feasible. And where is security more onerous than at the airport? At the courthouse! Billions could be saved, and the process of getting lawyers, witnesses, and litigants in and out of our nation’s temples of justice would be markedly accelerated. Further, it is well-known that it is harder for people to lie when they are naked, and thus nude judicial proceedings would support the court system’s core mission of discovering the truth. Certainly, nude trials might give rise to some novel issues, such as whether a mistrial would have to be declared if a juror became visibly aroused by the arguments, or whether counsel could be sanctioned for salacious movements intended to provoke such arousal, but what of it? The law has dealt with thornier issues for less cause. On balance, nakedness in the courthouse would be a refreshing change.

From there it might spread to the Senate and the House, where the televised proceedings would experience a great uptick in viewing. If Congress met in a joint nude session, the truth-inciting effects of nudity would be like a breath of rejuvenating oxygen in an environment stale with lies that have been recirculated like the air inside an airliner for the last seven years. And when the Chaplain rose to give the opening invocation, he could read from the last verse of Genesis, Chapter Two: “And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed.”

But what of the international consequences? Although I am confident that any Southern Baptist preacher worth her salt could sell patriotic nudity to her flock, and likely profit mightily thereby, that’s not the only religious constituency we have to deal with. We can’t move a muscle in the current economic situation without giving thought to how the Saudis will feel. They and their polygamous entourages, well-used to moving about veiled head-to-toe, are clearly not going reveal themselves to the eyes of crowds of infidels. Frankly, I was worried when this occurred to me, and then I realized, what was I thinking? They fly private jets!

The idea isn’t original

Before I wrote this post, I looked for something called “NakedAir” or “NudeAir,” but with no success. Then I trolled google images for “naked pilot,” and it took me to www.naked-air.com, so I grabbed a couple of pictures for fair use purposes pursuant to 17 USC Section 108.
Chas

Naked Air